A few weeks ago, I shared a post I had seen on facebook. The post read: We need to teach our daughters the difference between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her, a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her, a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly, a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her, a man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man. ~ Juliette Erasmus
That post got more comments than any other post I had shared—even the chocolate ones.
Here’s what I saw in the comments:
Mothers struggling with the choices their daughters were making in clothing and in guys.
Women reflecting on their own choices and wanting more for their daughters.
Women noticing the choices of their peers—the womanCHILD, the princess, the queen
Fear
Regret
Angst
Guilt
Remorse
Hope?
I found myself wanting to continue the conversation but, well, that’s a little difficult to do on a facebook page.
The boxes are rather small.
And, pretty soon, the posts get buried as new conversations emerge and dance together in your “news” feed.
It’s an interesting place to mingle—this social media world of ours. Who did I talk to before my world expanded at the click of a mouse?
There’s a blogging campaign going on. It’s called the “Girl Effect.” Let’s take a look at that and use it as a model to empower all girls, everywhere.
Let’s begin in our own homes
schools
communities
Let’s tell our daughters they look radiant in their worn out blue jeans. NOT the skinny ones. The ones that give them room to breathe.
Let’s engage our girls in thoughtful conversations about love
and life
and foods that nourish us at every level
(even if it’s macaroni and cheese)
Let’s crush the scale and throw away the measuring tape
Let’s take a stand against botox and bulimia
Let’s find the joy in moving for the pure joy of feeling the wind in our hair and the sun on our face. NOT to give ourselves permission to eat or. . .
To keep our weight in check
Let’s eat chocolate for breakfast.
To learn more about the Girl Effect Blogging Campaign click here.
Or here
Leave a comment. Write a blog post. Make a difference.
In any way that feels right to you. . .
27 thoughts on “The Girl Effect”
Sue Ann, thank you. As usual, your eloquent and clear-eyed prose has me hanging on every word. I am not sure if it’s because it’s late, I am on travel and sleep deprived, or David Gray’s “Babylon” is playing on iTunes in the background, but your post made me cry more than any of the other Girl Effect posts I have read tonight. It spoke to the girl in me that holds her stomach in. All the time. That feels guilty and apologizes for eating mac and cheese when those around her are eating salads – dressing on the side. It made me cry for my niece who is 9 and worries that another girl will not anoint her with the status of Best Friend. For wanting to send her to a place far away for the next 10 years so she can avoid all the pain, trauma and peril of being a teenager in suburban America. For as much as I weep for the Third World suffering, the inhuman treatment of girls not even old enough to know what is being done to them, I mourn for the lost innocence of our young women here, in our own back yard. Or maybe I’m crying for what I can never reclaim of my own girlhood, all that I gave up in trying to be loved, to be good and to fit in, knowing that I was and still am so much better off than the majority of women in the world and feeling pressure to not screw it up.
Thank you, Laura, for your thoughtful response to this post. As you know, I struggled with writing it because I, too, have anguished over many of the points you mentioned. Inspiring women to “take back their plates” is so much more than a tagline. I watched my best friend fall into the abyss of anorexia, triggered by extreme dieting measures, monitored by a computer calorie-tracking program. I watched her little boy restrict food as he downloaded his mother’s circuitry. I prayed that her little girl would grow up more comfortable in her skin than her mother, who couldn’t see her own beauty. When I started doing this work I met more refugees from the weight loss war zone than I care to count. I grieve for the women who have fallen victim to “body hate” but it’s their children that keep me up at night. I hope my Luscious Legacy Project will one day hold the energy and heart of the Girl Effect Movement because ALL of our girls are at risk and we need to open our eyes and step into our own power as women so that we can guide our girls gracefully in the world.
Sue Ann, I missed this quote from your Facebook page and am so glad you shared it here. It’s powerful! I love the way you are applying The Girl Effect to our lives right here at home in the Western world and the way you have connected it with your vastly important work in the world. We may not be married off for money, sold for sex or living in literal poverty, but we find other ways to cede our power. When we let men or the media tell us how to look, what to wear, what to eat … when we become so disconnected from our own bodies that we don’t know the joy of eating anymore … that’s where your work is so vital. Thanks to your Inner Circle Body Wisdom course, I am becoming more and more tuned into the body I left long ago. Your work IS The Girl Effect in action. It just looks different in a world of financial privilege. It’s no less important. Thanks for your work. You are a huge gift. xoxo
Thank you Laurie, for your thoughtful response to this post, for participating fully and “playing full out” in my Inner Circle Body Wisdom Boot Camp, and for working so diligently at reclaiming your rhythm around food and nourishment. You inspire me every single day.
Dearest Sue Ann! I am totally in tears of joy! I want to break out in a “Happy Dance” and play loud music and chant your words through out my city. I want my lil daughter to understand all of the above and BE a OK with it all. Yes, it’s wonderful to have a practice of self care and self love, but one of the most fundamental parts of both is being comfortable in ones skin. This is the process that is critical to pass on. It took me a long time and I am finally there and it’s the best feeling. Thank you for sharing this magical piece of yourself, and maybe I will have chocolate for breakfast this fine morning in Dubai!
Yes, Narine! It’s all about pleasure and permission and loving ourselves enough nourish our bodies with foods that please our palates send our spirits soaring. I can see you doing your “Happy Dance” as you enjoy a little chocolate for breakfast.
Oh, Sue Ann, what an important message… one that I will share with my daughter. The emotions you evoked made me realize how many “mixed messages” girls/women wrestle with on a daily basis and how easily this issue can be lost in a sea of information. Bring it up again and again, please!
Thank you for encouraging us to take “conscious bites” and to make choices for our own well-being… especially chocolate for breakfast. 🙂
Thank you, Kimby. And yes, I suspect I will be bringing this up again and again. That’s the way with passions, yes?
Sue Ann – as a mom with two eight-year-old girls I so appreciate your take on the girl effect. One of my daughters is curvy and short, the other tall and thin and I work with them daily to help them love they shape they have and to appreciate the shape their sister has. “Let’s tell our daughters they look radiant in their worn out blue jeans. NOT the skinny ones. The ones that give them room to breathe.” Yes!
Yes, Christie, it’s a wondrous, sometimes wooly task we have raising our daughters to love the shape they have. I so applaud your conscious efforts.
Again, Sue Ann, your writing and message fill me with so many emotions–some sorrow, but much hope, too. This is such an important topic, and while I have read many Girl Effect posts, yours is by far my favorite. Clarity, simplicity, and compassion are the hallmarks of your writing style–I love it!
And I am struck, daily, by the ways we women diminish and devalue ourselves (me included), we don’t need others to do this for us, many of us are quite adept at tearing ourselves down. While the reasons are numerous for this self-loathing, I am, right now, more concerned about the solutions and putting and end to this *standard* for all women (and girls) everywhere. Starting today, I will make one small step toward this goal. I am fine the way I am, right here, right now. Please excuse me while I grab a piece of chocolate…
Shanna, that question haunts me, daily. How did we become so adept at diminishing and devaluing ourselves? We could spend hours (years) trying to figure that out, and many of us do. What I get excited about are the seriously simple steps we can take to bolster our beauty, in just minutes. And I’m not talking adornments. What would happen if we made a plan to wake up every day, look in the mirror and say, “Hey beautiful, how are you going to nourish yourself today? I think, in time, we just might begin to believe it.
Key word is “nourish.” No, I take that back — it’s BELIEVE. Thanks again, Sue Ann.
Let us not forget the roles and responsibilities of fatherhood. Keep in mind the “generation” factor, but daughters look to dads as role models.
I so agree, John. Fathers and daughters have a very special bond. I’m grateful that I was blessed with a loving supportive father. We need to celebrate the men in our midst who honor and respect their wives, daughters, mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers. . .
Sue Ann, I also missed that quote on face book. so I am so glad you re-visited it for this subject! It is so true, the young girls are getting their cues from us How we respond to the media and ourselves. As they see us, their mothers and mentors, embrace our true selves, they will feel the courage and acceptance to do so as well.
So will the young girls in the Girl Effect, be able to pass on to future generations, new paths, hope and inspiration.
In the words of Marc David, one of my favorite mentors: “As goes the queen, so goes the queendom.” May we all step into our power with grace. . .
As always, I love your writing Sue Ann! It always gives me something to think about!
Thank you for visiting my blog, Shay, and for participating so fully in the Inner Circle experience. Have a delicious weekend. . .
Hi Sue Ann!
Thanks for sharing that beautiful quote! It is a much needed message for young teenage women today! I feel fortunate to have been raised by a mother who always told me that self-respect came before seeking approval from men.
And I truly appreciate John’s message above. My husband is a great role model for his daughter. So, this is a great reminder to share the quote with him.
Hugs!
Marion
Thank you, Marion. We need more of those role models embracing our girls with rich conversations like these. . .
Sue Ann,
I am a “stay at home” dad, what ever that means in this “modern” society. It means that I spend the majority of time with our daughter, driving her from skating to ballet, or from school to the mall, etc. Many times I question the choices she makes but I don’t enforce her to a strict code of behavior. She is fully aware of the expectations I have toward clothing and conduct. If I give her the sign of disapproval with my eyes, her peers may think I am being over the top, but at least she has a guidepost to go by. Girls have their eye on there fathers as an example of the men that they might consider in the future. I think my wife was looking for a man like her father. I don’t fit the bill but she has told me that was her yardstick. That being said, it took her one failed marriage and an abusive long term relationship afterward to realize the man she needed rather than the man she wanted. We all have to make mistakes in order to know what it is that we truly need. Men are no different than women. Maybe slower on the uptake but men are seeking essentially the same thing as women. Companionship. We all want someone who loves us unconditionally and still excites us physically. Getting back to skinny jeans or relaxed fit, a young woman has a social agenda to maintain among her friends. More often than not, I see the clothes being worn for other women rather than men. Can’t tell you how many times my wife has bought a new dress to wear out with her friends but when we have a date night, she wears the old tried and true. Let me finish by saying that I confronted her about this and asked that she give me top billing at least every once in a while. I am not trying to deny that there are cases of toxic parenting and social stigma that cause girls to make poor choices, but as parents, the only thing you can do is offer them unconditional love and support them, even when they make bad decisions. Anger and punishment only reinforce the shame and stigma and further encourage bad behavior. Think back to your own childhood. In all that I have said, please understand that I agree with your statements, but I think the undercurrent was not entirely fair to men like me who participate fully in our daughter’s upbringing. Parenting is a two way street and I in order for the child to get the love and support they need, it takes a special bond between spouses to offer them that.
Matthew
Such great thoughts, Matthew. Thank you for a heartfelt response and for all that you do to enrich the life of your daughter. I didn’t write that poem, but it definitely created a stir when I shared it on my facebook page. I’ll have to look for the original thread because I think you’d find the dialogue interesting from the perspective of both the men and women who responded so passionately. . .
Sue Ann, this is absolutely the most exquisite post written on this topic that I’ve read. Your words dance down the page… drilling into me the necessity of BEING the change. Let’s not just engage our girls, let’s engage each other, let’s talk about more than gossip and glamour. Let’s talk about godot and gershwin and goddesses. Complacency is too comfortable. Reruns feel like old friends.
It’s time to create a life of meaning. It’s time to build the community that will sustain us through the economic and climate crises in which we are boiling alive… it doesn’t hurt… it’s too subtle… but someone needs to be willing to jump out of the pot.
I am with you 100% of the way.
Oh Emelie, talk about words dancing across the page: godot and gershwin and goddesses—YES! LOL
I absolutely adore the support you are giving young women in this piece, Sue Ann. By the response to your post on facebook, you have obviously touched a very sensitive nerve for women and mothers! The struggle of a mother with a young growing girl in this culture is great, and challenging both because the daughter struggles with her self esteem… and these issues draw forth the mother’s own relationship to her own feelings around her own body and sexuality.
Its interesting… growing up as I did surrounded by brothers and then having three sons times the 100s of friends they’ve all had, I have been immersed for my entire life in the culture of men. This has given me a unique vantage point of the male in his relationship to women. I welcome events, parties, hang outs and thus this is a home of gatherings. I have as many young women I have become close with through the girlfriend factor. In my experience, the guys are not the one’s putting the pressure on the women to dress as they do. It is their peers… AND the models. It is women looking at the brand of their purses. It is women who THINK guys want them to be model thin. The guys DON”T! I have seen my sons work hard at unhooking their women from the idea they need to lose weight, or that they need to buy yet another piece of clothing. Or that they need to spend 3 hours putting on makeup. These are cultural memes that are being carried more by the women than the general populace of men. My own lovers have done nothing but adore me, my body and who I am. So this premise that guys are the one perpetrating the wound is on a large part unfounded. We know there are some out there. But not to the degree people, women, are suggesting.
What is fact is that these negative attitudes towards our bodies, our girl’s bodies, IS an epidemic and we need to find our way with it! I LOVE your suggestion to begin in our own homes and communities! I also think that pressuring the advertising conglomerate to change their image is VITAL… and we have been doing it, but it seems to be a beast that does not want to die.
And… I love how you end the piece… we really MUST START with our own bodies. For if WE have not fully embraced ourselves here and are revolving our own body issues and hatred of our image, we are the ones perpetrating the problem!
WonderFULL thought provoking post, Sue Ann! Thank you for it!
Thank you, Kathleen. I just had an “aha moment,” as I read your response. There is a dual response factor emerging here and it’s fascinating to observe. Some are responding to the “let’s empower our girls to love themselves, their bodies, and their lives without starving themselves skinny or squeezing themselves into micro clothing” and some are responding (with passion) to the “let’s help our girls choose fabulous men who love and support them.” It sounds like you have been blessed with both: healthy self-esteem and mutually supportive relationships with men who adore you. I think they go hand-in hand: strong, sexy, self-assured (embodied) women attract amazing men who adore them, regardless of their pant size. Thank you for adding your wisdom and experience to this post.