Casual Stroll? Not Me. . .
I took a walk in the park yesterday. It was very different from the kind of walk I used to take. There was a time in my life when a “stroll” through a park would have seemed like a lost opportunity. I could have been burning calories or getting my heart rate up. In fact, the word “walk” is really an oxymoron for the kind of exercise I engaged in. My exercise routine was more like a mini triathlon. I “warmed up” on an exercise bike, followed by a vigorous race walk, and then, weather permitting, I’d go for a swim to “cool down.”
I am so grateful I now have both the wisdom and the science to abandon the faulty belief systems that had me engaged in extreme fitness regimes. I missed a lot of natural beauty on my “walks.” Yesterday I felt the sun warm my face and the breeze tickle my ear as it swept through my hair. I listened to the rustling of leaves below my feet.
I’d like to say it was science that liberated me from the weight loss war zone I grew up in. But instead of discussing the cardio myth or the parasympathetic nervous system, I’d like to talk about the deeper reasons that propel us into extreme diets or punishing exercise routines.
I collect scary statistics. They remind me of how far I’ve come and why I do this work.
Scary Statistics
* The average woman worries about the size and shape of her body EVERY 15 MINUTES. That’s more than men think about s.e.x, which is every 20 minutes.
* 9 out of 10 women dislike and even hate their body
* 92% of women say they want to change some aspect of their appearance, mostly body weight and shape
* 8 out of 10 women are on a diet
* 86% say they routinely avoid pleasurable activities such as shopping for clothes, swimming or having sex, until they lose weight.
And, perhaps the scariest statistic of all. . .
* 40% of 9-year old girls claim they are dieting, or have dieted.
I shared those statistics with my Inner Circle participants and I could almost hear the collective sigh that radiated through the telephone lines.
Here are the questions that keep me up at night:
What has us look in the mirror and see only our faults?
What has us starve ourselves skinny or engage is extreme forms of exercise until our knees give out and our bodies say, “No more.”?
What has us go weepingCREEPINGsleeping through life because we are not confident enough in our skin to dance?
I hear all kinds of stories in my work with women, but the one that tugs at my heart is this one: “I’m afraid my husband, boyfriend, lover won’t find me attractive if I gain weight.” Really what they’re saying is, “I won’t find me attractive if I gain weight.”
I don’t think it’s the guys in our life that we have to worry about. I think it’s our thoughts that hijack our mind and keep us locked in patterns that do not serve our health or our vitality.
Take a few minutes to read this article. It’s a life-altering, life-affirming perspective we all need to embrace. I want to read it to every woman who looks at herself in the mirror and sees only her flaws:
What Men Really Notice When They Look at You
Leave a comment and tell me what you think of Aaron Traister’s perspective. Then, share it with every woman you know. It’s that good.
20 thoughts on “What Men Really See When They Look at You”
Thank you Sue Ann for a great eye-opening post and article, I love this line in the article: these aren’t imperfections; they’re what keep me wanting to find out what happens next. – it brought tears to my eyes! I am guilty of focusing on the negative, AND I have a 9 year old niece who is already saying she’s “fat”. It’s terrifying. I love your mission Sue Ann, and I am a believer!
Yes, yes, Laura. This work is for the 9-year olds, isn’t it? I want those little girls to grow up “outside” the weight loss war zone. We simply must take back our plates, yes?
Sue Ann,
I can personally attest to the tragic outcome of young people being diet – focused too early. When I was 10 girls in my gym class routinely made fun of my flat chest- i’d rush home, full of self-hate, at 12 i drank diet coke to fill me up, instead of lunch in an effort to be like (and liked by) my friends, and by 14 I was bulimic and stealing diet pills from the pharmacy. Though never diagnosed, in hindsight, my behavior was scaryily close to that of body dismorphic disorder, when one has a distorted image of ones body. I wish this were uncommon, but i know that it’s not.
Thankfully, over the years i fell madly in love with dance, African – derived traditional dances in particular. These dances required me to move every part of my body and believe, from the inside out in the sacradness of the human form, the femine form in particular. I started a dance class so that i could share this with others, especially those who tell themselves that they can’t dance. I want them to discover how wrong they are and that they CAN, and that the planet will be the better for it.
Oh Robin, your response brought tears to my eyes. I know those young girls. I grew up with them. In later years I taught them. And now, I work with the women they’ve grown into. I, too, am a dancer. I love it that your dance experience brings you closer to the sacredness of the human form, particularly the feminine form. The words “divine feminine” fill me up at the deepest level. When we are profoundly in touch with that essence we really do honor and nourish our bodies, don’t you think? Shall we dance?
This article brought tears to my eyes too. The “good” men out there hold this same belief and value their mates the same way. For those shallow ones who don’t, hopefully the ladies with them will be smart enough to run for the hills, if they see signs of their men growing discontent due to a few added pounds or scars, stretching or lines from aging or child birth.
I personally would NEVER stay with or even want to be with a man who I thought could be shallow enough for any of that to make a difference. If a woman is afraid of that in her relationship, that might be a sign that further evaluation of the relationship’s foundation needs to be looked at.
Now, if a woman decides to just get lazy, stops caring for herself and becomes obese or extremely over weight, then I can see that being a different situation and perhaps men and women should both have a reason to be frustrated or see their mate in a different light if that is the case. I live in a health and fitness oriented community where that is NOT the norm, but back in IL. where I grew up it IS the norm for both men and women.
As for myself it is daunting seeing my body change. In some ways, I wonder if it is tougher for women who have been slim and more fit most of their lives. They see a bigger change sometimes, because they are use to seeing a flat tight ab, area or tight firm buttocks or boobs and age and giving birth changes the skin. The elasticity is not the same even when you lose weight.
I too, as a woman who gained a ton of stretch marks just from going through puberty….look in the mirror and see the flaws that keep compiling, but I am not a super body image focused person. My approach has been a combination of acceptance and continuing to implement good nutrition/exercise practices in hopes it will slow aging down and minimize what is….
I am thankful that The “GOOD: men out there, don’t see what we see when we look in the mirror. I believe that is part of a man’s emotional maturity as well. Keep maturing men, and keep reminding us!
Thanks for this lovely insightful post! Congrats on the blog!
I loved your response, Freea. It’s rich. Yes, I too am thankful for the GOOD men out there who don’t see what we see when we look in the mirror. I can remember asking a guy I was dating how I looked one night as we were leaving for an event. He replied, “You look like Sue Ann.” I don’t think he was trying to be funny but whenever I think back on that response, I have to smile. What is it about me that needs to know how I look in the eyes of another before I can look at me through “my own eyes” and be satisfied that I look beautiful? “I look like Sue Ann.” I say that to myself now every time I’m tempted to ask my husband how I look. Here’s to GOOD men, embodied women, and growing younger every year.
The statistics are heart-breaking, Sue Ann. I am on my way to see the film Miss Representation tonight, so this is a very timely post. The self-loathing that many women have for their bodies undermines all of the progress we have made over the last 100 years. And the young girls who grow up thinking that the cover girl on Cosmo is the average woman, are already set up for a huge uphill battle.
I love what you do in this realm: food and body love awareness= happy, fulfilled women. Keep on!
Can’t wait to hear more about Miss Representation, Shanna. Thank you for reminding me that it is progress, not perfection.
Sue Ann, two phrases that leaped out at me in that article were “the invisible finish line of food” and “chocolate chip pecan pie.” Since you already know how I feel about chocolate, I’ll comment on the finish line…
I used to measure every bite, breath, inch, and pound — and ate (or didn’t eat) as though there were some sort of “finish line” (real or imagined) dangling in front of me and determining my worth as a human being. I never crossed it, no matter how hard I tried.
It wasn’t until I got older (and wiser) that I realized most of my perceptions about “me” were based on what others thought of me — no, make that “what I THOUGHT they thought of me.”
When I finally developed an opinion about myself — FOR myself — food (and my enjoyment of it) made that finish line disappear. To paraphrase the author, “Not bad for a 53 year old.” 🙂
LOVED your “walk in the park!” Still shaking my head incredulously at your statistics.
I hope more women can erase that finish line and delight in food the same way you do, Kimby. I’m devoting an entire chapter in my book to “a foodie sensibility.” I imagine you’ll relate to that chapter and all that it encompasses both literally and metaphorically.
Thanks for your post. My friend Laura Gates passed it to me. I felt sad to read the statistics… I’m unfortunately still part of them… It’s still an effort to show my legs when summertime arrives because they are not “perfectly” muscled!! When I asked my husband what he thinks about my knees, he laughs (of course)! What makes me beautiful in his eyes, is not measured by the level of fat in my body, it’s measured by my level of grumpiness and smiles. Perhaps science will show in the future that when we obsess with having muscled legs, we have less access to the natural beauty of our heart… Thanks again for your clarity!
Yes, Carole, I think we are all part of these statistics. We move in and out of them depending on the day. I celebrate each step we take away out of shame and into embodiment. Think of all the places those wonderful legs take you the next time you find yourself dwelling on the “not” perfectly muscled thighs. It’s a process, yes?
Sue Ann: This is am amazing piece, I don’t know how to start. Like many that have left comments already, we have all had to fight that voice inside of us, that often times judges us as “not good” enough. I too, have heard the whisper inside of me or even from the outside world, judging or making remarks that are not so kind. The above mention data is VERY scary, however, I used to be one of those numbers. I tend to believe that I am evolved, but I also know I am hard on myself. It’s scary to me to think that I would compair myself to those skinny girls. Their hollow gaze looks down at my body. Oh, boy, my body, the one with the huge scar across my belly from an emergency c-section, or the breasts that fed my lil one. I used to fear that gaze those remarks “do you remember the way she used to look when she was single?” I can hear them, but it doesn’t upset me anymore, now I see what a miracle my body is. That my body creates life! It is life. I don’t have that 21 year old body, but I am not 21 anymore, where I could eat whatever I wanted. Today, I am enjoying some cake and I am enjoying every bite! Thank you for the work you do, it’s so needed!
Here’s to enjoying every bite of that cake and the model you are providing for your daughter, Nasrine. Chocolate for breakfast?
chocolate for breakfast indeed! xo
Hi Sue Ann,
I caught myself in the story that you shared with you. I have shared my own insecurities with my husband to find him get upset that I would even look at myself in such a fashion. I once even told him that if only I could see myself through his eyes. So, your story is such a great reminder to us that we need to be kind and gentle to ourselves. Most of the stories we’ve created in our heads are just never lived out in the mind of other people.
Thanks for continuing to inspire us!
Marion
That is so true, Marion. But it really does take practice to love ourselves and to see our bodies through compassionate eyes. Hopefully we are seeing a shift and more and more women will reach out to each other in healthier ways so that we can raise the level of consciousness around body image and self-love.
Its hard to look at those statistics and believe them. It hurts. And… I wonder. There are so many places our wounds come from! My brothers teased me mercilessly about my big feet, my butt that stuck out one way and my tummy that stuck out the other. As I have mentioned to you before, my sons love their girlfriends and honor who they are. It is the women themselves that hold nasty inner critics about their bodies. Unfortunately, a lot of that comes from the women’s culture of magazines models clothing yes, now include exercise. At the same time, many men are into their pornography even when they love their wives and those women don’t look like their wives.
But… I do think that those who wield perhaps the most power image over young girls is their parents. If the mother holds her own body with esteem and love and respect, she will do the same for her daughter. As we see, too many of us are loathing our bodies and thus passing the disease. Also, a super strong relationship with dad will go a long way in breaking these curses. Parents, unfortunately, are wounded creatures themselves. This is a rampant problem. What is new, is that they are many of us now talking about it and working towards change. May we really influence the young and heal the old. thank you for feeling so passionately about this topic and working so ardently towards its transformation! LOVE your work, Sue Ann! xo
Yes, Kathleen, they are scary but I have such hope for our young girls. I am seeing more and more awareness and so many more people working toward change. It’s time we take back our plates don’t you think?
Thanks for sharing this. I grew up in a household where my mother loving reminded me to pay attention to what I was eating and how much exercise I was getting from about 11 onward. At 26 I finally told her that if her comments were not joyfully positive about my appearance, I was not interested in hearing them. Jesus has done some major healing to the wounds that are in my heart and our relationship and I can now see that her desire to change me comes straight out of her own loathing of her body (which happens to be very similar to mine).
Unfortunately, on top of that, I have been involved in 2 long-term (more than one year) intimate relationships with men who were good men, who I have not doubt love me very much, but who had a real issue with my appearance and the way it did not fit with what they were interested in. Just for the record, I am 5’7″, weighed between 195-225 during both relationships, have a muscular curvy figure, have been between a size 14-18 since I graduated from high school, and am in excellent health. While I find articles like this interesting and encouraging, it has not been my experience. I do know it is true, as both of my sisters and my mother are married to men who adore their bodies and love them in all their shapes and sizes (including one post 4 pregnancies and one post 5 pregnancies).
While I have grown to have much more gratitude and appreciation for my body, there is still a huge wall there when it comes to men. At 33 it is hard to be hopeful as I see men my age frequently pursuing women significantly my junior with bodies that are obviously younger and fitter.
So sorry that this sounds like so much of a downer. I have a rich life that I very much enjoy and intimate relationships that add so much to it. Obviously, though, this is still a heart issue for me.