Context: My Well-Nourished Woman Inner Circle
A member of the Circle tries to wrap her brain around the eating arrangement between me, a culinary nutritionist, and my beloved who we’ll call “JG.”
So tell me, I think I’m hearing you say that, um, you and your husband eat very different foods when you sit down to a meal?
Pretty much. You might say we “intersect” at the table.
Intersect?
Yes, he has his favorites foods, mostly white. And, I have my favorite foods, mostly green. Sometimes I’ll have a bite off his plate. Like just the other night he gave me one of his French fries. And, sometimes he partakes of my salad. Not the kale or the collards or the mustard greens, however. They’re a little too green.
Ahhhh. And you’re, um, okay with that?
Actually, yes, I’m REALLY okay with that.
How long, exactly, have you been eating this way?
Fourteen years. We’ve been eating this way for fourteen years. I call it parallel play at the table.
Parallel play at the table?
Yeah, you know, kind of like how very small children play together before they learn to interact. Parallel play.
So you’re saying this is a developmental thing?
Well, kind of. When I married my beloved fourteen years ago, he called himself a “partial” vegetarian. But as far as I could see, the only vegetables he consumed on a regular basis were potatoes. Mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, scalloped potatoes, French fries. (He’s Irish.) So, for me, it’s been a fourteen year exploration in what it means to “invite” my husband into my food world. A nibble just feels so much kinder than a directive, don’t you think?
Tell me, where can you give yourself permission to engage in a little parallel play at YOUR table?
Leave a comment below. I’d love to hear how you might create a little more spaciousness in your food world.
15 thoughts on “Living (& Eating) with a Polar Opposite”
Sue – This is my and my husband’s story exactly! I love how you call it ‘parallel play at the table’. It works for us as well. (except for those nights when I really don’t feel like cooking two different meals). That’s when negotiation happens, and that’s when our kids get the best of both worlds 🙂
I feel so much love in this interchange.
So many of us think the nutritionists are the experts – the zealots – and out to change the world.
Yet here you are saying “my husband, the man who shares my daily table, eats what he wants.
And sometimes we share.”
Share conversation. Share smiles. Share a journey.
Perhaps even share a french fry or a bite of salad.
I think so often we think of love as melding. Intertwining. Becoming THE SAME.
As you have so lovingly demonstrated here, we can, instead, come beside one another and support each other in the lives that are our own.
Sharing.
Holding hands.
This is enough.
I love this! This sounds like my house–with lots more plates–I am 98% vegan, 2 kids are vegetarian, 1 who is a whitetarian (only white food), and a son who eats anything and my husband who . . . is NOT a veggie guy and considers chocolate a food group.
I honor the food choices–if one kid says “I want to be Vegan today” I roll with it. I’m off salad, I’m on cucumbers, I don’t like beans any more–it could be enough to make me go nuts. I have learned that if I put really great food on the table . . . it will be eaten.
If all else fails–peanut butter sandwiches save the day!
Be Blessed.
Sue Ann, I think you have been spying on me. This is the reality in our house and has been for 16 years! 🙂
I love your acceptance . . . and your beloveds too. To be able to ‘engage’ in parallel play is in itself, so loving really. Such a beautiful exchange, even though it appears there is not. Nibbles can lead to many places. Nibbles can open up the world. Nibbles can be so loving. Nibbles are so kind. I love nibbles. My friend had a cat called Nibbles! She liked to Nibble. I think nibbling is underrated! …. Me, my parallel play? Being okay with what I eat, is a gift that has been long in coming. And to sit at the table and engage in parallel play . . . and have it be play and nourishment …. well, just to write about it here, gives me a happy heart. I might even hear her singing! And well, what is better than that really… a heart that sings … and sings… while eating. 🙂 Thank you Sue Ann. 🙂
Your accepting of the situation (rather than being frustrated that it isn’t different) is wonderful. Love your take on this!
This was hysterical! Parallel play? You are too much, Sue Ann! hahahahaha!!! I am a solo eater, but there was once an Italian beau who made fun of me for my green smoothie addiction. I could have cared less about his processed meat affliction. We had many fiery “debates” over food, including a memorable shouting match while walking through a piazza in Torino. In a moment of weakness, I believe I threw out a “Fongool!”. I should have just told him to go back to preschool and learn some manners. 😀
i love that you put to paper this beautiful arrangement, sue ann. i love that you respect your husband enough to allow him to be exactly who he is. i love that you are happy and not trying to change each other. (and, by the way, i happen to eat like both of you! 🙂 )
I think we have similar tables. As a family, we have a carbovore(white foods), a new vegetarian, a carnivore and a healthy eater. Each has found some peace to have a piece or two off the others plates.
I love parallel play!! I do something called InterPlay – we do lots of parallel play – accepting each other not trying to change each other – great practise – so much for liberating and accepting and loving
xxx
My situation is similar but is not about WHAT we eat (my husband will eat anything) it’s about how we eat. I like to savor my meal times, it’s not just about the food, my Italian husband likes to eat as much and as fast as possible and then leave the table – usually for a nap. I wish I could say it was “parallel play, but it’s much more frustrating than that!!
Sue Ann,
My husband and I used to eat exactly the same meals at home every night for years. But, we ordered very differently when we went out. It began to occur to me that we were each stretching to accommodate the other, but the stretch was out of love for one another and not about listening to our own bodies.
We’ve been together for over 25 years and this pattern is beginning to shift. I joined your first Inner Circle class years ago, and it helped me to learn to really listen to my own body.
Now, we “intersect at meals” and it’s just lovely. We have taught our son, in the process, how to listen to and nourish his own body, while being open to trying all the new or different dishes being presented.
By the way, I made an amazing Carrot-Ginger soup today, but wish I saw your recipe first. I filled the blender way to high and well, you can imagine the clean-up I had to do! Duh!
Thanks so much for all your wonderful work in the world. Keep it up!
With love and gratitude,
Terry
I just love the “intersecting” analogy and the “side by side” play. Having sat and dined at a table with you and JG, I can say that it’s just joyful: no judgement, just lots of love and enjoyment…the way dining and nourishing is meant to be.
I’ve been craving carrot ginger soup and I am going to make yours. I haven’t perfected this soup yet so I’m glad to know that you have. : )
Thank you.
Just brilliant, Sue Ann. I’ve struggled with this over the years; allowing my Grandma, when she was alive, to eat say, white Wonder bread. Once while on the phone with a friend, he heard me telling my beautiful Grandma who was standing next to me in my kitchen, “You didn’t have to bring your own bread to my house Grandma. Your is crap and will kill you. Here, I have some good quality bread for you.”
Dave, on the other end of the phone, yelled at me. “Who are you tell someone else what to eat? Your grandmother made it to 89 years so far so she’s doing something right. Isn’t that the point to eat healthy, to make it that far and feel good? She’s doing great, leave her alone.”
That was a transforming moment for me. Your blog Sue Ann, hits on something very real and deep in our kitchens, our judgments, and our relationships with others. I love YOUR love for our connection to food.
OX,
Rosa
I love that you give him the space to just be. A lesson for us all. We can love without having to convert or complain.