“You’re too sensitive.” I heard those words throughout my childhood. I came to believe they were true. They were typically spoken by my mother. One of my earliest memories of my mother included the crack of a wooden spoon on my crib and the words, “Stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I know, not a very happy memory to recall on Mother’s Day but that was my reality and I suspect many of you have memories that haunt your psyches, too.
We don’t talk about those memories. They’re not ‘cheery’. This book helps us understand that childhood trauma lives in our cellular memory. It shows up at the table. It shows up in our relationship to self and others. It shows up when the world feels a little too heavy to hold and we can’t figure out why we’re struggling.
Chapter 2 is called My Empathic Journey, The Difficult Beginnings of Empathy. Karla writes:
Wild Girl
While I was up in the trees listening to the wind
I heard your mother wish she were childless.
While I was under the hedge listening to the cat
I heard my father long for someone, not his wife.
While I was flat-out on the lawn listening to the clouds
I heard the neighbors lose their hope.
Then, when I was racing on my bike, listening to my ears
I heard the church lie about all of it.
And you thought I wasn’t paying attention.
Why is it that outsiders always have insight
But insiders rarely have outsight?
If you’re looking for a book that explores the study of sociology, neurology, cognitive psychology and social psychology and how they play out in the language of emotions, I think you’ll find this one a keeper.
I’m including The Goldfinch in my book review because the writing is exquisite and I couldn’t put it down. However, I must be really honest here. If you are a highly sensitive individual who has difficulty watching action flicks or even the evening news (Yes, that’s me, too.), this book may not be for you. I realized when I finished this book that even though the writing was superb, I was emotionally drained by it. I love to read at night. I crawl into bed (with pages that turn) as an evening ritual to decompress and slide slowly into slumber. This was a very long book. The intensity of the story line did not allow for that deep restorative sleep I so need. Have you read it? What did you think?
You know there is always a foodie book on my nightstand. David Lebovitz is a pastry chef, cookbook author, food writer and Paris lover. Not only is this book filled with delicious recipes, it gives you an insider’s view of Paris in all its quirky wonder.
How about you? What’s on YOUR nightstand?
40 thoughts on “What’s She Reading?”
Goldfinch keeps coming up as a book to read with the caviat that it can be emotionally draining. Hmmmm?? I’m more curious after reading your review.
Thank you SueAnn
Yes, Susie, dip in before you purchase it. I wouldn’t want to dissuade you from reading it but it did leave me feeling quite drained at times given my tendency to “live” inside the books I read. I’m glad I recognize that now. It helps me understand where boundaries (even around books) serve me.
Thanks for those reviews. I had better get my skates on, I am writing a book about emotions and your body and your well being. I need to get it out there too!!!
Thanks for stopping by, Deb. I think you would enjoy this book given your work in the world. It’s one of the most comprehensive books on emotional intelligence I’ve encountered to date.
Hmmmm…I’ll stay away from Goldfinch! Thanks for the heads up!
Now that first book…right up my alley. I had a mom similar to yours. That wooden spoon (or whatever was close by) chased me until I was 13 and could stand up for myself. My cells resonate in sympathy and a kind of defense upon hearing stories similar to mine. I developed an ability to stand up for others ‘no matter what’ because of my experiences.
And yes, the ‘I’ll give you something to cry about’ and ‘she’s too sensitive’ (I can still see the eye-rolls and hear the deep sighs and sense the smack upside my head) are all familiar to me as well. My mother was also very generous and charismatic and could be loving but there was such confusion with it all for me. Even now.
No one would ever suspect this about my background. I was very good at masking it. When folks find out they are stunned. “YOU?! I would never have imagined….” It is remarkable how we/you have created such a lovely world considering the challenging beginnings.
Thank you for sharing these wonderful books and also the psychic pain you’ve grown up out of. It eases the loneliness of Mother’s Day to learn that others become thoughtful on days like this.
Mmmmmmmm, love this share, Susan. Thank you. Perhaps those are the gifts of our upbringing, heightened sense of kindness, fiercely protecting those we love, the desire to create a lovelier world. I’m so glad we shared a piece of that day, albeit virtually.
“On my night stand? Dan Kennedys “The Ultimate Sales Letter” Ha ha ha… you can tell what’s on my mind these days! However, he was accompanied by Anita Moorjani’s “Dying to be me” Just returned it to the library….I was curious about her near death experience..as I too have had one of those…. it was an easy read…almost simple… but I liked hearing what she had to say…. there is so much more here, than meets the eye and sometimes, I just like to be reminded of that from others…
I have a stack of books that I keep by the bath tub as that is where I do my night time cleanse. I can sit in the tub for hours reading, creating, being, remembering… Sometimes, I don’t think I need it and skip it..but reading your posts makes me think, don’t skip this tonight… it’s time for you, for dreaming, escaping, learning, wandering… loving… and just being. This must not be forgotten about. My cells need it.
Oh yes, I’ve been there. I am on a business building book cleanse. LOL I love it that you have a stack of books by the bath tub, Elizabeth. That reminds me to savor both the ritual AND the book.
Do you mean ON the nightstand or UNDER it… 😉 At the moment there is only one book on my nightstand besides my journal and that is an absolutely wonderful book called “Ladies” and despite its English title it is in Swedish and written by a guy called Johan Hakelius.
It is a superbly written documentary about 10 quite quirky (and some of them downright crazy) British ladies. To be honest not all of them are noble but ladies none the less. The first one, Jennifer Paterson is known for the TV show called “Two Fat Ladies” and the last one is Vita Sackville-West, known for her affair with Virgina Woolf and for her fabulous garden at Sissinghurst.
The link is in Swedish (sorry!) but please have a look at the cover! http://www.atlantisbok.se/layout/detail.php?id=7578
It is a book that make you laugh and cry at the same time and afterwards you feel more normal than ever!
I love to read your blog posts about books you are reading and the insights you get from them are invaluable Sue Ann.
Love,
Carina
Oh, I love this response, Carina. Thank you! I want to see that documentary and I LOVE books that make me laugh and cry at the same time. After reading The Language of Emotions, I now understand why that is so. And, yes, I’m going to make a point of sharing more of these posts. We’ll call it the Conscious Bites Book Club!
Hooray! Conscious Bites Book Club! Count me in. After finishing Ladies I´m gonna look for the Language of Emotions and maybe consider The Goldfinch because just as Susie wrote it is really a book that seems to pop up in various places. And your description made me curious about it.
Oh yes, I was told that I was “too sensitive” also, and in my family in addition to the “I’ll give you something to cry about” was the follow up “no one wants to see you cry-go to your room.”
Was there something in the water during the time we were growing up, or was it just a certain class/ethnicity/type of mother who felt the need to protect us-I have realized as an adult that my mother had a rough time of things and was only trying to protect me. Thanks so much for posting this.
Thanks also for the tip about The Goldfinch-doesn’t sound like anything I can read unless I want it to get under my skin (the way Beloved did). I will definitely read The Language of Emotions, so thanks for that. I’m working my way through Inventing the Rest of Our Lives, by Suzanne Braun Levine. An older book (2005) but still relevant.
I’m eager to check out the book, The Rest of Our Lives. Thank you for that suggestion. Today a good friend recommended another book you might be interested in: Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. Have you seen that one, Connie?
And yes, I think in some cases our mothers were, indeed, trying to protect us.
I love getting book recommendations and even though I was always called too sensitive as well as a child, the Goldfinch looks intriguing. I can handle dark and stormy as long as the writing is excellent. The other books look great too!
Heather, the writing is excellent. If you can handle dark and stormy, go for it. And let us know what you think.
Sue Ann, I resonate with the “too sensitive” comment. Interesting that I chose careers that I thought would “toughen me up”…to prove I wasn’t weak to my emotionally abusive father…an epiphany upon recent reflection. Hit nursing in my 20’s then, law enforcement with the basic training, firearms, and then I became on of the first trained female hostage negotiators in my country [something I must keep non-public until I retire]. I thought running with the MEN would do it….I have come full circle… I am writing on this [too sensitive] topic at the moment…too long for this reply 🙂 Reading Tom Spanbauer, I Loved You More, and The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert… I am intrigued by Goldfinch. I can handle it if it keeps my attention. Thanks for the resonant share, and the book reviews.
Thank you, Dana. I continue to reflect on both the gifts and the struggles inherent in being a highly sensitive individual. I try to stay grounded in the gifts but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a little “tougher.” Thank you for sharing your experience here. Looking forward to reading more of what you write on this topic.
sending a loving (and fiercely protective) hug to that toddler in the crib, sue ann. “I crawl into bed (with pages that turn) as an evening ritual to decompress and slide slowly into slumber.” i love the way you phrase what i also do each and every night. so . . . what is currently on my nightstand? (well, my books are actually on the floor because we have a low bed. 🙂 ) the war of art by steven pressfield, life beyond your eating disorder by johanna s. kandel, inventing the rest of our lives: women in second adulthood by suzanne braun levine, the sound of paper by julia cameron (using this in my creative mastermind group), and a nero wolfe mystery by rex stout. and yes – i’m reading all of them at the same time!
Thank you, April. I am sending more and more hugs to that toddler as well. Fiercely protective hugs. I don’t think I realized how much of her is still wrapped up in me and how I relate to the world around me until I started giving her permission to speak. And to cry. I, too, have The War of Art on my desk. Whenever my Inner Critic shows up I dip into that book for a little nudge. Today I’m savoring the words, “The professional concentrates on the work and allows rewards to come or not come, whatever they like.” Golden. And, I recently purchased Inventing the Rest of Our Lives. I need to check out The Sound of Paper. The title feels like a whisper. I think you and I were/are soul sisters. xxxooo
Ooo I’m intrigued by Goldfinch! AND I have a foodie book obsession. I think I’ll check out “The Sweet Life in Paris” and keep Goldfinch on the list for now. Thanks for sharing these Sue Ann! (I’m noticing I’m ignoring the language of emotions, which probably means I SHOULD be checking that one out!)
Karen, I’m reading The Language of Emotions in small segments and not necessarily in order. It’s anything but a “light” read but I am finding great value in the breadth and depth of her work. This is clearly a woman who has studied this material over a very long time. Meanwhile, enjoy A Sweet Life in Paris!
Sue Ann, thank you for two — possibly three — excellent reads. I shy away from too much information, too (aka “the news”) and appreciate your forewarning. Still, some books are worth the loss of sleep (especially when described as “exquisite writing”) and The Goldfinch may be one of them. By the way, I bawled two lines into the Wild Girl poem… time to visit the bookstore or library again. xo
Yes, Kim, that was/is a pretty powerful piece. I could really feel the betrayal in those words and also the weight of living life as an empath before we really had language to describe highly sensitive individuals. Before we started seeing it as a gift. Let me know if you pick up The Goldfinch. I’ll be eager to get your reaction to that book.
Thank you!
Those all sound like excellent books! I will definitely need to put them on my reading list. I am always reading something, sometimes a few books at a time. I have always wanted a room to use as a “library” in the house. I like to mix it up to keep my reading well-balance between information, educational, and of course some just for leisure! Thank you for sharing these!
That’s been a dream of mine, too, Cathy! To have an entire room dedicated to my books but then I’d have to move in there and make it my study as well.
Those two phrases stung as I read them. I was referred to a Sarah Burnhart because I cried a lot. Wonder why I was always crying? “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was an all too familiar phrase as well. Why didn’t they know their words stung more than the crack? As an older woman I have grown to realize the tortured person my Mother was and that she did the best she could. With that said I have been able to forgive her and to remember the happy times together. She has been gone 9 years and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of her and miss her. Mom wasn’t the best Mother but she made up for it by being a loving Grand Mother to my children. I am grateful for that.
Thank you again Sue Ann for once again sharing your life with us, both the good and not so good times.
Yes, Haidee, I think we grew up at a time when children were meant to be seen and not heard. I’m so thankful we have more parenting resources today though I am sure there are still many children growing up in homes where language is more harmful than healing. My heart weeps for the little ones who have no voice. I have always felt the love you hold for your mother and I’m sure she felt it, too. The image that comes to mind is the Jenny Lloyd Jacobs Bakery and lunch at the counter. Or was it Angel Food Cake with a drizzle of bittersweet chocolate around the edge? xxxooo
I was very disappointed by the Goldfinch. Too much drug abuse for me, too long and I was very glad when it was over. I loved her other two novels, so of course I was disappointed and probably should have quit reading this one instead of moaning about it to everyone for days and days…
I do love the Wild Girl poem. Unique and so true — kids often absorb much by osmosis and observation.
I am reading Wishing You Happy Forever by Jenny Bowen (about China’s orphans and the nonprofit she founded to improve orphanage care) and it is bowling me over. We have a niece who was adopted from China, so I am all ears on this subject.
Thanks, Sue Ann — wishing you continued success with your work and websites!
Thanks for stopping by, Keddy, and YES, I thought this book was a little too long as well. I’m interested in seeing the other two books she wrote because I definitely appreciate her talent as a writer. Thank you for sharing that.
I am very sensitive too. And yet I love an intense story. Somehow it helps me …I’m still trying to figure that out 🙂
Let me know if you read this one, Rebecca!
Just finished The Language of Flowers by Vanessa diffenbaugh. Thank you for recommending it Sue Ann. Such a beautiful book. Makes me appreciate and see flowers in a whole new way. I found it so pleasurable to just read a novel. Sooooo pleasurable. And this book …. The pages turned themselves! I like this idea of you mentioning what you’re reading. Up next…. Where’d you go Bernadette :).
Shirley, for me, the past two years have been dedicated to pleasure reading. I’m not sure when I stopped reading for pleasure but I know when I made the decision to begin again. Perhaps I’ll include that story in the next read with me post. I am astonished at how much happier I am now that I no longer feel the “need” to read every self help or business/brain building book on the planet! That doesn’t mean I won’t “dip in and dip out” of those books, but pleasure will be front and center going forward. Life is too short.
What a beautiful site you have, Sue Ann. And, I love this diverse selection of books. Particularly interested in The Language of Emotions, as I’m exploring how abstract photography and art affects our emotions. I read a book by Donna Tartt years ago and loved it. I’d been thinking of getting another so will consider The Goldfinch. I just finished late last night (early this morning), Markus Zusak’s Young Adult book, The Book Thief. It too was long, fascinating, and emotionally draining, not one to help a person go to sleep, but well worth reading.
Thanks for stopping by, Kim. I just picked up The Book Thief this past week because my husband and I saw the film on Netflix and I just knew I had to read the book. I would love to know more about your research on abstract photography, art and emotions. Sounds like a fascinating topic to explore.
Ahh, Sue Ann, I like the look of The Language of Emotions; the excerpt you share touches me. Did you know Karla also has a new book (2013) Called the Art of Empathy? It also looks interesting. Bless!
I haven’t seen that one, Narelle, thank you!
This is years later, as you can see. I found you while searching Jennie Lloyd Jacobs (I make her Sherry Whipped Cream Cake) and stumbled across your blog. My!! I grew up in Gladwyne with a mother very much like yours and Susan’s and it has colored my life for sure. 4 years ago, my best, wonderful, doting husband killed himself, convincing me that I am unlovable, just as I thought, just as my mother said. Since then, I read voraciously, and Karls’s books are ones into which I will delve next. Funny how an extinct bakery can lead you places you never imagined.
Dear one, I am so sorry that I am only just now seeing your response to this post. Sometimes the older ones get lost. First, I am so sorry for your loss. Next, I totally get how that loss brings up old wounds and the feelings your mother imprinted on you. I hope your journey toward self love continues and that you feel stronger every day.