photo credit: brother-in-law John Mees (the swooner)
What My Food Life Teaches Me About Marriage
“This is REALLY, really good,” my husband says lifting the fork to his mouth. I stop eating and glance at him, mouth agape, a strand of mozzarella cheese hanging from my lips. My beloved has been dipping into more and more of the dishes I prepare. I’ve even made some adjustments in my food planning to accommodate his growing interest in my plate, but eggplant parmesan? Now this is quite a leap.
It’s red.
It has loads of garlic in it.
And, it swims around the plate encroaching on the salad. Yes, eating with my husband is kind of like eating with the child I never had.
We’ve been married almost fifteen years. I am, for the most part, quite used to the food life we’ve created together. I call it parallel play at the table.
I shop for my food, mostly green.
He shops for his food, mostly white.
We cross-pollinate with the salad. He will usually eat some of the leafy green salad that accompanies our meals, but only if I use some of ‘his’ lettuce, the ‘hearts’ of Romaine.
You got it: white.
He’s even letting me dress his salad now. There was a time when he insisted on bottled dressing for his portion (Ranch. How’d you guess?) and then I could sprinkle, splash, swirl and savor my way through the rest: lemon-infused olive oil with blackberry balsamic, honey thyme, or a lovely maple mint vinaigrette.
I try not to get too excited as I watch him reach for seconds. I suspect this might just be an aberration, a temporary departure from his typical food routine. I ‘pray’ this is an aberration, a temporary departure from his typical food routine. I watch my brother-in-law swoon over the dishes my sister prepares for him. I was so hoping to marry a swooner. But alas, I married ‘white on white.’ That’s okay, we also have separate email accounts and I have my very own Facebook page. I like my autonomy. Getting married later in life has its advantages.
Truthfully? I rather enjoy planning meals designed to tickle my own palate. It’s wickedly seductive. Hedonistic almost. I love shopping for exotic ingredients and preparing dishes that would frighten a more pedestrian palate. I’ll compromise on most things, but food? Well … life is too short.
50 thoughts on “White on White”
Sue Ann, I couldn’t help but grin through your entire post. Amusing, anecdotal, and admirable in its honesty. (Although I don’t foresee eggplant Parmesan in my hubby’s future — but I can hope.) I also LOVED your phrase “parallel play at the table.” Perhaps it’s your playful attitude that’s behind some of the changes you’re seeing — presenting without pushing. Plus, you’re having such a blast preparing and eating “yours” it’s sure to arouse his curiosity. A fun, FUN read!
Kim, I must confess, I was laughing out loud as I composed it. And yes, I have never pushed him to eat a single thing. I followed the advice I give my clients when their little ones refuse to eat what’s on their plate. Invite. Swoon. (over your own meal). Invite. Eventually they come around as their palates expand. Maybe after fifteen years of watching me swoon over my own plate, my beloved is ready to join me. *tee hee*
“Where does my food life intersect with your loved ones?”
When I’m in the kitchen with my children, two teenage boys, who love to cook. I am so very present to the entire process; from discussing what we will cook, to going to the super market to each of us having our own part in the process. And then, of course, sitting and enjoying every single bite and throwing ideas around on how we can make it better next time! 🙂
Angela, witnessing your food life with your sons thrills me to no end. Someday we shall share a meal. I know it.
Last weekend I made a wonderful white bean and turkey chili. It had interesting and fun ingredients, including chocolate and cinnamon. I also used an adobe chili powder that made the chili a little too spicy. Did my research to tame it. I was so pleased. Nick (pescatarian) made black beans with spices for himself. We both had the same lovely condiments on top of our dishes. A good compromise. I’m learning that I will sometimes need to make dishes for myself, and not consider him every time I compose a meal. Feels like autonomy.
Yes, Suzi, yes, food autonomy. I love that! And that dish sounds delicious, BTW.
I’ve very lucky to have married a man who is pretty adventurous on his own and willing to eat whatever I prepare. Joe’s best friend growing up was first generation Chinese and his friend’s mother enjoyed sharing dishes from the homeland (sea cucumber, anyone?). He’s also traveled quite a bit and makes it a point to eat what the locals are eating.
My kids grew up in my kitchen. If I was cooking, I made room for them and gave them an important jobs to do. They could sauté, bake, and cut after instruction and with some supervision as young as 5. Both my boys and my girl know there way around a kitchen.
Now that they are grown, they each have specialties and when we’re together everyone jumps in and lends a hand.
I am listening closely to these stories, Denise, thank you. I love it that you had your children in the kitchen at an early age. ‘Important’ jobs to do, yes. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Oh my, how I love this post!
I have pretty much dated only “white-on-white” guys. Anthony Bourdain was taken, though. hehe. The guys I have been with don’t quite get how I can get overly excited when I enter the cheese aisle at the store or discover a new chocolate bar in the gourmet food section, and they look at me strangely when I get the urge to go to a fancy restaurant. For them, cheap is just fine.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who swoons.
Ha, ha, love that, Lize. I can’t even use the words ‘cheap’ and ‘food’ in the same sentence. We didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up but the one thing I remember about my dad is that he never scrimped on food. He placed great value on really fresh, really good food. I’m so glad I had that role model. I hope you find your Anthony Bourdain, or, at the very least, a swooner. xxoo
Sue Ann this post made me laugh, and it was so appropriate for our meal tonight. As you know, my oldest loves ALL food, and is always willing to try anything new. The middle one chooses whole foods with the fewest ingredients, because of food allergies. Then my baby would eat carbs and cheese for every meal if I let her! Well tonight I was finally able to add some color to her carb and cheese plate with a homemade cheese and veggie lasagna. With the ooohs and aaaahs from the oldest two, the youngest told me the meal looked delicious before she even tried it! It may be a one night aberration, but I’ll take what I can get 🙂 Meals are so much more fun with color . . .
I love this, Amy, and I look forward to the day your oldest appears on Top Chef! Meanwhile, if you haven’t read the book, Dinner, A Love Story, I think you might enjoy it. She approaches the plate like a Venn Diagram. There is always at least one thing on the menu that her children will eat. Hilarious to think I have the same food experience with my husband but hey, you intersect where you can!
One thing my sweetie and I have in common is a love of good food – we’ve planned weekends in NYC around where we were going to eat each day. We vary, however, on the definition of “good food”. He’s spicy and meaty and Asian; I’m more Mediterranean and sweet. The name of the game at our house is compromise, helped by the fact that we both cook. We really shine when we entertain, allowing each other’s gifts to the fore.
Ohhhhhhhh, Cathy, I love it that you cook together! Swooooooooon. And we plan our NYC romps around the restaurants we want to visit, too. Yum.
PS you are going to LOVE the book.
I do!!!!
These are all great replies, I do both make my own choices in salad, soups and dishes for myself with options to share, but also offer ones hubby prefers. What he doesn’t like, I freeze the extras for myself later or to take when I visit my kids as they have more eclectic tastes. Salads I can always eat for lunch next day. So he gets options to try vegetarian chilli, sushi, soups, but can always find rice and chicken curry available or if I have lots of carrots Gajar Halwa a carrot dessert that requires endless stirring and slow simmering, with carrots, sugar, milk and cream, We also eat the same items also with minor changes, I will take less dressing on the salad he’ll take more. But you are right in saying that over time there can be changes in eating habits. I find I can experiment a lot more and hubby will try new items at least once, except most fish he only likes one kind so eat salmon,tuna,crab as a one person meal. When I had kids at home I had a lot more compromising, they would usually eat what was given to them but I also tended to cook what they would like. But I believe they all like experimenting with food because we did at home and everyone helped.
Your response made me hungry, Anne. I want to know more about Gajar Halwa! I loved this line especially: “I believe they all like experimenting with food because we did at home and everyone helped.” I applaud people who welcome their children into the kitchen. I think the paybacks are awesome. I’ve seen many food loving children eagerly participate in the cooking in their teen years, a lovely reprieve for the beleaguered cook. Thank you for sharing.
Sue Ann, I love your post and laughed in recognition quite a bit. When my husband and I first started lived together, he did all the cooking. Even if I arrived home from work before him, I would wait for him and ask, “What’s for dinner?” when he came home. Basically, I was afraid and wasn’t real adventurous at all. He was a “functional cook,” could have our meal on the table about a half hour after he came through the door. Meat and potatoes kind of meal. Maybe even canned corn for a veggie. Over the years, I have become braver and eventually took over completely. I have had many years to try recipes and fail and my husband will try almost anything which I appreciate. He still prefers a simple dish and often we have totally different meals. Since his retirement a year ago, we take turns cooking and the whole family cleans up together, no matter who cooks. Just recently, our son, now 18, is really interested in eating well. Our son is the adventurous one in terms of palate and introduces us to funky restaurants that use fresh, local ingredients, here in Portland, Oregon.
I loved reading this response, Terry, particularly today after what you shared in our Luscious Legacy call last night. I love it that your son is the adventurous one and that he is introducing you to some of the ‘funky’ restaurants in Portland. I suspect I’ve visited a few of those! Portland is a mecca of good food, consciously bites indeed. Thank you for sharing a slice of your food journey both here and in our Circle.
SueAnn- I CRAVE food autonomy. As someone always trying to figure out how to please four people, the idea of only pleasing myself sounds even more delicious to me right now than your eggplant parm! xoxo
Oh yes, I can only imagine! The plight of the beleaguered cook. Somehow I know you find amazing ways to please that family or yours and just think, some day you, too, will be creating meals just for you and your beloved … when the children are grown and coming back home to say, “Hey mom, could you make that _______?”
SueAnn I’ve always enjoyed your stories about your husband and this doesn’t disappoint! My husband can dip a toe in food adventure sometimes but really prefers the basics. It’s what his Mom cooked. I wonder if “white on white” is what your hubby’s Mom cooked as well? There’s comfort in the familiar for some.
Yes, Juls, exactly. He’s Irish. Potatoes! I’m also told she made the best fried chicken around.
I can SO relate. I love to cook and my husband would rather go out. However, every once in a blue moon he enjoys what I cook and I couldn’t be happier. 🙂
Marissa! So good to see your smiling face. How goes the cooking your way through Alice Waters? Miss you, love. Here’s to ‘once in a blue moon.’
Sue Ann, I love Eggplant Parmesan and so does my hubby. I am fortunate that he likes anything I prepare. He is just happy when I am in the kitchen cooking. Lately I have been experimenting with my crockpot quite a bit. He loved my Pumpkin Butter that I made recently. Quite a few of the recipes I am trying lately involve Balsamic Vinegar. He just eats until he looks at me and I have one eyebrow raised questioningly! OR…..I say, “gee honey, this sure is good!” Then he repeats it.
Frankly he is a comfort food man so I try not to stray too far from that. I have been making a lot of different soups lately too which he loves.
I love that, Mary-Alice, especially the ‘modeling’: “Gee honey, this sure is good!” Then he repeats it. Hilarious. And tender and beautiful. Thank you.
This is not the first time that I’ve felt a small but very real bonding experience with WoW. Ranch dressing is my favorite. Please tell him. 😉
Hee heeeee!!!
I always love your WoW stories, Sue Ann. And your later in life love story brings me hope. xo
I’ll be sure to tell him that, Michelle. Apparently you’re not the only one who loves a good ‘white on white’ story.
P.S. When I was still teaching those frolicking first graders I used to tell ‘Mr. Gleason’ stories all the time. They would giggle and squeal. Only the name has changed. xxoo
i do so love romaine hearts . . . 🙂 and i also love that adorable photo of you, sue ann!
my husband and i like many of the same foods and, though it’s not my favorite place in the world to be, i enjoy cooking alongside him in the kitchen. our tastes are all over the board – from spinach green smoothies to white-on-white comfort foods. (today we had a most delicious avocado smash for lunch!)
Oh April, I love avocado, too. That was my breakfast yesterday. “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!” LOL
Here’s to comfort food and the memories it evokes.
What a wonderful story. People and food-so intimate, so personal.
Our intersection around food is in the preparation. There is something peaceful about being together in the kitchen, a recipe posted prominently, with one of us chopping onions while the other sautes garlic.
We both love to cook, we both love to eat, and we have been on a 30 year “food journey” that has taken us through eating a vegetarian diet, a vegan diet, and now a modified Paleo diet.
Food is an adventure-and we’re both “swooners.”
I often say we are the only couple I know who think it’s romantic to read recipes to each other!
Oh I love that, Connie. I can see you two reading recipes to each other and swooning in the kitchen. Have you read Poor Man’s Feast? If not, you must!
I can totally relate to this Sue Ann! I had this dream of feeding my daughter all kinds of healthy and yummy things and she only eats pasta with butter and salt. I had a bit of a “woo hoo” moment when she discovered that she loves nori (of all things!). I realized that I had to let her lead me and discover new things for herself. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to eat the Mac ‘n cheese with hidden veggies myself. Thank you for your beautifully evocative writing!
I love this line especially: “I realized that I had to let her lead me and discover new things for herself.” And nori no less! See, she’s getting her ‘greens.’
I have to admit it… for a very long time, I was always the white-on-white one, but somewhere along the line, a few “temporary aberrations” became reality! So beware, it can definitely happen! Really loved the line “kind of like eating with the child I never had” — great stuff!
Thank you, Laura, and I want you to know (full disclosure) I was the child who ate only macaroni and butter while the rest of my family feasted on Grandma’s homemade tomato sauce. Who knew? LOL
We can definitely relate to this in our house. Most meals I try to spend with family but our tastes differ. I prefer a Vegan diet and they would rather not, they do like vegetables and will try some of the items I eat as they have done for a while before and our palates intersect. I think the more serious I am about my diet the more our palates change, where I would have a healthy salad or juicer and they might have pizza. I will be trying a new chef soon to add more options to the menu and maybe we will intersect again with more of a variety.
That sounds like a good plan, Cathy. I’m always looking for that intersection.
Love a story well-told and the title, White-on-White. Most of all, I am drawn to your questions at the end–where does food life intersect in my life? Where does it diverge?
I come from a legacy of “picky” eaters and improvising cooks from “the old country.” I always loved good food but didn’t take an interest in cooking it until I started living on my own after college. It is not an understatement to say that in my life, food is a glue that celebrates family and friends. I consider myself lucky that my husband does the dishes and enjoys eating what I enjoy preparing. My adult children are cultivating their own sense of style in the kitchen. Thank you for telling your story and reminding me of ours.
Yes, Gail, and I love it that your husband does the dishes. My husband is getting a little closer to that (he hangs out in the kitchen a while following the meal) but I suspect he will never be a “you cooked, I’ll clean” kind of guy. Yes, we load our own dishes into the dishwasher, too. *tee hee*
I love the “everyday-ness” of the photo accompanying the article. He’s in white and you are in a classy outfit with a bit of racy red showing…alluding to your love of spice. What I like best about the post is that it speaks about your marriage so subtly. How you accept him as he is, and he you. Your differences are known truths. And without fighting or cajoling, your likes/interests slowing leeching into the being of the other. Gentle change that is about yielding and enjoying who you are with.
Beautiful observation, Laura, thank you. And yes, maybe that’s the ‘secret sauce’ in a good marriage: gentle changes that come from within.
This post brimming with love and I so adore you for writing it! The picture of you two just make me wanna hug you both 🙂
For me it is slightly different and I have been lucky in the way that my husband loves to cook while I am at best mediocre and would never dare try a new exiting dish – hey it might end up a disaster…
And I happily eat what ha makes 🙂
Much love and laughter,
Carina
Carina, oh how I would love to be the recipient of a home cooked email. Some day, yes? Maybe not in this lifetime! LOL
Parallel play? I just love that. I appreciate how you accept each other and both of you take “bites” from each others’ taste. My ex liked food in boxes and American cheese in plastic. Needless to say THAT relationship ended. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone like-minded in the kitchen or at least to have a meeting point.
That’s my hope for you, too, Tracey, although as you can see from my relationship, sometimes the other places we ‘meet’ in life and in love supersede the food intersection and then when we DO intersect it feels like such a treat!
Sue Ann, I’m back again with a second comment… sort of like a second helping of salad without Ranch, ha! I followed this link in your recent newsletter (along with the stellar recipe for roasted cod with lemon & caper relish that you shared, thanks) and was as amused and satisfied reading it again as I was with the first “helping.” Yup, that’s you. Always helping! xo
I’m finally HOME after my 3-1/2 month hiatus in Minnesota, during which my hubby confessed to not eating vegetables AT ALL since I left (except on pizza, lol) We have a lot of catching up to do — here, and over my stove! Thanks again for re-capping your “White on White” capers… gotta love capers. 😉
I love it that you’re ‘back’ for a second helping. And your hubby ate vegetable on pizza? Do tell! LOL Welcome back. You’ve been missed. xxoo